Meditations on Self Love – Exploring the Shadow
Photo credit: Shasha Freemind – Unsplash
It’s not easy to sit with our Shadow.
It’s not easy to give ourselves the room to breathe into the discomfort, the aching places within us. It is so easy to enter into internal judgement and push away the parts of ourselves we deem unacceptable, that we can’t comprehend, that we don’t know how to love.
It is similarly easy to imagine the judgement coming from others. If we are really truly ourselves we surely won’t be accepted, will we?
My capacity to sit with myself, to witness myself without judgement or fear, has become the portal into radical self compassion and love.
Part of that is allowing myself to express this journey, this vulnerable, immediate experience, in whatever ways want to come out.
It is my belief that the poetry in our souls wants to be born, to be seen, to be witnessed. So I leave this offering, this meditation on self love, to give you a glimpse into my journey of coming home to myself.
It feels like there is a dam inside me behind which a thousand words are waiting to roar, crash, rush out across the vast plains of empty page.
I can feel all the multitude ways in which I have kept myself cornered up inside, as though the rush of a thousand words will become a torrent, a tsunami to engulf people, to make them shy away in aversion, fear, disgust, and I am left standing alone, the last word caught in my hand like a stranded fish.
I am multitudes inside myself, a raging fire of longing and fear and hope and love. I have kept the words crammed in so long it’s as though the dam is unwilling to break.
Cracks form and words dribble out and I realize on how many shallow surfaces I have been living, editing myself like a word document, prostrating myself before the eye of approval as though it is some sort of sunken god.
How I hide and hide and hide. The terror comes when the light bursts in through the cracks to illuminate my lair. I long to live this hidden life on the outside, to make my body a testimony to all that I breathe and think and feel, but I only speak the language of soul.
I am that stranded fish.
And the world has no water.
In moments I can feel a drawing back of curtains from some bright window. I see myself running across a meadow, freedom humming through my veins like a rich a drug. All I have to do is open the door and run to her, to take her hand and have her lead me home.
Maybe there is no breaking of the dam. Maybe it is a dissolving. Maybe there is no torrent but a great river, running, running through my life. Maybe all I have to do is step into it and be swept away by the current, the sky like a blue palm, cupping me.
Maybe in the end it is an opening of the doorway in my heart and the river is just love love love.
Maybe all I need to do is surrender to the current and let it carry me like a thistle.
Or a fish who has found her way home.
In what ways is your Shadow showing up in your life? In what ways are you being called to enter into radical self compassion and love? I would love to hear about your journey! Tell me in the comments below.